Diary Room.........Get Me Out of Here!!!!

Aaron Aardvark · Diary Room.........Get Me Out of Here!!!!

Right......first of all may I apologise to whoever's bed i dumped in last night. It was dark and I couldn't see where I was going. The dunny is a way off from camp and quite frankly I couldnt be arsed to locate it. So, sorry for shitting in yer bed.

However, the bed in question was empty so where the hell was the occupant. Well, I heard some strange noises coming from another bed. It sounded like there were two people shagging actually but I could be wrong.

Botty, please will you stop trying to fondle my ar$e. I look nothing like a sheep and Im commando trained so if you do it again you are the next meal.

The other question is, how come Rab and Les smelt of $hit and Pussers when they grabbed the Celeb Hat Box??/ And why is Les walking funny??

greenfairy

I've a stinking headache this morning. Probably due to lack of sleep last night.

A is a bit p!ssed off as something shat in her bed last night but it's ok cos she was sharing mine at the time...busy eating some cookies that I'd smuggled in to the camp.

Tell you what though, if anyone starts singing I'm forever blowing bubbles today there may well be murder afoot

Right, I'm off to harrass the Aardvark

ZedHorn · Re: Diary Room.........Get Me Out of Here!!!!

It sounded like there were two people shagging actually but I could be

well if A and GF are sharing maybe you're not wrong Aardy.. just hope you don't get too 'Aard at the thought of the 2 volly dollies!! Wonder if they snuck batteries in aswell as cookies... maybe they have a rampant aardvark toy for late at night!

Later today I will be available for jungle surgery, spider stings, aardvark bites, cases of sunburn or sausage sickness all welcome! 2nd tree on the left after the latrines! bottle of red per consultation, IOU's accepted!

Z xx

A

AA apologised for pooing all over my sleeping bag, didn't seem to sincere but there you go.

Feel a bit queasy after those cookies!!!!!!!

lesbryan

I can understand where the smell of Pussers came from but $hit well i dont realy know

windypipes

What cookies?????

greenfairy

A

Can he be my luxury item?

Apricot

I'll offer to look after him for you whilst you girlies are away in the jungle!!!!

MrJpig

Is that AA prior to his shower??

greenfairy

Eh? Did anyone say anything there? I was a tad distracted......

A

No poo anywhere this morning which is a relief.

Am beginning to wish that a certain Pumpy had chosen RightGuard as his luxury item instead of his keg of beer.

Am being plagued by mosquitoes but can't find Doc anywhere, although everytime I go past the dunnies I can hear '*hic* I knew that last red wine was one too many....*hic*

Am bloody starving and if Botty doesn't get a move on I may have to resort to drastic measures, now that me and GF have polished off her cookies.

Aaron Aardvark

Just got back from an ablute. That lagoon is obviously not a real one because if it was then the water would be nice and fresh. Its got frogspawn floating about in it and someones violet knickers are stuck on a gumtree hanging at a precarious angle over the waterfall.

I didnt sleep very well last night. The noises in this jungle are very odd. Grunts, groans, moaning and panting. That was just from Rab's bed and all he kept saying was 'where's ma water'. Zed is a strange one too. 'Squeak squeak pop, gug gug gug...ahhhhhhhhhh.........burrrrrrrrp' is all we get from her. I had occasion to ask her to treat a nasty bite on my aardarse as well and she just pi$$ed herself laughing and said she would give A a tetnus in the morning.

.

Anyway.......Im off to moan at the producer. NO HATBOX!!!! he really is a slacking lazy bulger; more interested in spying on the girls in the lagoon.

admin

They were not in the lagoon err I mean I wasn't even there when they were swimming about naked, frolicking in the shallow water.

FFoglamp

Has anyone seen a pair of violet knickers ??

(Not mine of course - just my head's cold)

RAB

ZedHorn

due to NHS cut backs I am sorry to announce that there will be no weekend surgery until further notice. The following self help cures shoudl be followed in cases of emergency!

Hunger - see A for cookies

Jungle belly - don't see A for cookies

headache due to nicking my red!! - tough you deserve it..

aardvark bites - stay clear of Aaron for avoidance in future

sting from unknown source - stay in sleeping bag, check for aardpoo before entry!

boredom - play hunt the BOTTY

unintelligible speech - either you're RAB or you've nicked my red or les's rum... so run or hide.

Apologies for inconvenience caused, normal service will resume sometime when the NHS (nice hatbox suppliers) has some cash!

Z xx

A

Sod a dog, that was a bit of a debacle!

Oh how I wish my luxury item was a sports bra as opposed to my prized copy of the BB magazine.

Still, we finished our challenge (hurrah!) and even managed to save some ice cream for the others.

We've just got back and, thanks to AA, had a couple of champagne/benylin cocktails.

We're a bit pished.

All of a sudden the men are looking a lot more attractive!

Aaron Aardvark

Another strange night in the jungle. Heard a real comotion in the early hours and woke up to find GF and A lying on the floor breathing very heavily. Thought we were going to get a show so i woke all the others up to watch but much to my disappointment they were just out of breath from their little yomp back to camp. They had a hatbox full of creamy slime which they gobbled up most of en route. We all rallied round and fed them and gave them the Aardcocktail and now A finds me irrisistable all of a sudden

She has even pretended not to notice that my aardarse hasnt been polished for days and the ticks attached to my butt dont seem to worry her at all. woohoo.........line up ladies....one at a time please.

Pompey Rich

Oh my Gawd. Am I hungover or what??? What on earth are you lot on about now? You all have a definite unfair advantage cos' I totally avoid the cr@p jungle thingy programme. Instead, I stick boring (whilst legless) dits about Mr Blobby. Sorry.

windypipes

Mr Blobby??

Thought he was dead!

Aaron Aardvark

How did you get in here?? I come for a quick diary dump and i find an interloper here. Bog off and go eat some cookies. There's some on Deli's desk.

A

A

Anyway.

Yummy! Cream buns! All thanks to that lovely vark. He's looking all adorable and fluffy today.....

bootybandy

Oh no, A and Double Aa are an item.......... Someone get the DDT out and separate them. Bleugh...

FFoglamp

Just an observation, spying on the diary room......

Botty, does that make them TRIPLE A ?

admin

ZedHorn

in 2006 an aardvark and a volly dolly were sent to the jungle for no reason at all.
they promptly escaped trying to locate more cream buns in a hatbox
still wanted by the remaining jungle captives and browsets of the internet
they survive as forummers of fortune

if you have a problem, and you can find them, maybe you should call

tha AAA team!!!!!!!!

ZedHorn

ps, any chance the hatbox could have a nice '99 rioja in it this task as i'm getting a bit fed up of the cheap ozzie plonk! cream buns are good but red is better for you........

brr rrrr hic, brr rrrr hic

Z xx

RAB

MrJpig

AAAAAm sore`ee RAB ...I dinna ken wit cem o`er mi, by the way an` all `at big man !! These 3 O`clork starts a killin` mi so they are.

Still, aam hame the noo and have a swally in front o` mi. So.... slange an all `at, an may ya lumb a``ays reek

RAB

JOCKANESE I SAID Jpig...!!!!!!

NOT COCKANESE PEKINESE..!!!!!!

MrJpig

You cheeky Tartan wrapped piece of Haggis munching bagpipe playing RRRR rolling Sweaty.....that was my best Strathjimmy speak!!

RAB

..Och I'm sure ye jist did it fur the Banter...

MrJpig

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I`m moist with the baaaanter

RAB

...Apologies to GF for being such a fat bstrd, and difficult to push on the swing last night..'Twasn't my fault they picked "Little and Large" for the task, in fact I think they were taking the total pi$$ (some of which I'm sure they put in my wa'er bottle)

..Well done GF, great effort on your part, and if my attitude was somewhat grumpy at the time, it was due to the extreme effort required to get off that swinging kin bed thingy they've got me sleeping on in the Jungle...

Now c'mon Pumpy..Looks like you're going to be Poet of the Day (well tomorrow apparently), so sharpen up yer pencil and start scribing.

Glad it wasn't me..I wouldn't know where to start with a poem about Drum Statics (or lack of

)..So straight in.. No rolls....

Aaron Aardvark

Can someone please explain to me where the fark we are supposed to plug in a CD player?? And these biccies are soggy. Tea bags all very nice but they taste like bromide. That is not conducive with the passion i want to get on with A.

RAB

Aaron Aardvark

But Fairy has nicked the batteries for something else

She said his name was BOB

A

Help, GF has disappeared with a funny grin on her face into the dunnies and isn't coming out. By the noise she might have constipation.

ZedHorn

well done GF and Rab for the hat box challenge. I take my tea Julie Andrews style tho so i am willing to bribe people with my share of the sugar.... any offers, anyone got any unwanted belgian chocolates or maybe a CD with eagle squadron on it... dagga dagga dagga... padstow lifeboat even....

zed, evening surgery is open doors tomorrow 5-6pm please take a ticket and wait your turn!

RAB

ZedHorn

essence of nettle sound like a good option swiftly followed by an ice cold mud bath - very moisturising so i understand from the published literature!

failing that wrap yourself in cling film and sweat it out!!

doc..

RAB

ZedHorn

Surely we could send the park ranger out to find yogi bear.. he has a friend called camem and that's always wrapped in cling film! mind you, might end up smelling like dodgy french cheese?? but it'd keep the aardy away!! :-)

RAB

Aaron Aardvark

RAB

ZedHorn

apologies for delay, got into a conversation about training doctors and the jungle experience..

so open surgery starts now... roll up roll up webcam not operational so all rashes will only be described not shared... literally!!

Z

Aaron Aardvark

I am a bit concerned about Rab. He has a nasty bump on his head and he smells. I think he has been wetting his pit at night and its attracting all sorts of creepy crawlies.(windybugs, slappermoths, etc) He keeps rambling on about socks and slurring 'where's ma watter'.......i wouldnt mind but at 4am every morning it gets a bit annoying: Especially as his bloody water is right next to him . He was mumbling something about peacocks too.......im really worried about him.......i think he is losing it big time.

ZedHorn

that's easy.. he has PDS poetry deficiency syndrome.

cured by the location of pumpy - STAT!

"NEXT!!!!!!!!"

RAB

greenfairy

I'm feeling everso lonely out here in the jungle. A has abandoned me now she's got this new love affair with AA. I mean just because I've no a in my name, does that make me so unappealing?

On the plus side, my bunk is doing wonders for my back. I've not felt this limber in a long time.

ZedHorn

[quote="greenfairy"] I mean just because I've no a in my name, does that make me so unappealing?

greenfAiry

Z... I'm the only one with one of them. guess between A and Z us volly dollies have everyone surrounded!!

FFoglamp

WOW ! Classy post that one Zed ! It looks like I could be persuaded to chuck in a bottle of Red, subject to press ganging someone into poetry .

greenfairy

ZedHorn

that's ok GF.. lack of vin rouge out here in the jungle is doing weird things to me too... and as for the vanished AAA team... that's doing weird things to my im agination... eek!!!

Z

Aaron Aardvark

ohhhhhhhhhh I had an interesting night. Once i had kicked Albert around the camp and pulled his ticks off, I got down to some serious wooing with A. What a lovely girly.........she stroked my snout and tickled my ears and then said 'ok how can i get into Deli's trousers??' Turns out the mongy woman only wanted to get close to me to find out how to get close to Deli.

Im traumatised and hurt. How could she be so cruel..........her Jocky boyfriend wont be pleased when I tell him. Anyway.......Im going to get my revenge. That wine i gave her last night was laced with senna pods......wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

ZedHorn

let's just hope you kept the cork from the wine bottle for usage later or she'll be pooping all over camp!!!

ZedHorn

and anyway RED WINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????

Aardy you shocker.... I thought you cared!

Aaron Aardvark

ZedHorn

like tea!! or very cheap red wine... she musn't be used to the finer things in life!
Pongo boyfriend... says it all really!!
so what d'ya do with the cork?

Aaron Aardvark

Albert ate it.

greenfairy

Poor Albert, I wonder if he needs a hug *goes off in search of cuddly lil vark*

ZedHorn

well if Albert comes back with "cork snout" I'm not able to help!!

open surgery tonight is cancelled due to lack of supplies! sorry Z

A

Might have to take you up on that open surgery, Z, that bloody vark tricked me! And all because the lady loves Deli..........

RAB

A

Just wandered into the main camp to find Rab chasing Albert round in circles. Poor mite. Albert looks terrified. He looks a bit constipated too.

greenfairy

Fairy's journal. Day whatever.

So lonely here. Wind my only friend.

I hate you

Shut up wind!

Smuggling in the portable dvd player has been fantastic, my Mighty Boosh dvds have been keeping my morale high. Shame it uses so many batteries though, I've had to abandon BOB. Still, I'm sure I can live without that for a bit.

RAB

A

GF doesn't seem to love me anymore.......

greenfairy

Me?!! You're the one going around cavorting with everyone. I'm just making the most of my own company

Aaron Aardvark

There’ll be blue varks over …the white cliffs of Dover…..hic…….show me the way to go home……burrrrrrrppp………it’s a long way to Blairgowrieeeeeeee……….phrrrrrrt….hic…….it’s a long way to gooooooo……hic…..

I feel shick.........bleughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...ah that tasted nice.........hic ...............now what were the words to Navy Blue...

greenfairy

Dear Diary Room,

I'm going AWOL. You won't hear from me til Sunday. I'm going to go and find myself in the depths of the jungle well footie in Somerset really but it's almost the same

I wonder if anyone will notice I've even gone

eastneyslapper

ZedHorn

hey GF wait for me... maybe we could hijack a couple of cornish sportscars for some round the camp races!!! See Aaron trying to escape the digger bucket on the front of a big yellow one, his little legs won't run that fast!!! we could leave him up in it for hours!!! more curled up fried eggs and plonk for us!

Z

A

windypipes

Oooh

Do tell 'A'

FFoglamp

We actually built this place for safety, and are keeping a constant vigil for Spiders and Snakes !

However, the producers of the show would like to apologise for the unforeseen infestation of Slappers and Pipes !

If you can just avoid the diary room for an hour, we'll fumigate !!!!

FFoglamp

OK now to come back in !

ZedHorn

Morning all.. story time over so what fun can we look forward to the rest of the weekend???

Anyone for a spot of tennis?

rounders?? we can use the corks and the wine bottles!!! blue peter styleeee

Z xx

A

A

Anyway, dear diary room.

Getting a bit perturbed. GF has buggered orf and told me to cover for her. There is only so long I can tell everyone she's constipated in the dunnies.

Meanwhile, I keep getting told 'Back straight, chest out' by certain contestants, followed by much raucous laughter. I can't help it! They do it on their own! Even if I stoop they are still a liability!

Have to be careful not to turn round too fast lest I knock someone out.

Do they not understand how it feels to not see your toes in ten years?

Oh wait, yes they do!

A

CORN DOGS!!!!!! Jungle Heaven.

Aaron Aardvark

Im getting a tad irritated. A has eaten all the corn dogs. (I think they were corn dogs.......they look like turds on a stick to me) and the cheeze whizz isnt really whizz is it? Remind me to contact trade descriptions when i get out.

I tried to engage the campers in a discussion about the merits of personal hygiene. I now now the true meaning of futile. To put it bluntly, they all stink. Even the doc honks. The girls are having a competition to see whos armpit hair is growing the fastest. (its their taches that they should be watching quite frankly)

My aardarse is in desperate need of a good polish. Its starting to look like the millennium dome.

Apart from that..................its been a long and emotional week.

A

Dear Diary room,

please, in the next hatbox, can you get some anti depressants for AA, he's a very miserable vark.

Also, thanks for the manuscript, I shall pen a great symphony, much like Peter Andre wrote Insania whilst a contestant in the jungle. Although, unlike Insania, my piece won't be completely $hit!

greenfairy

Dear Diary Room. Please get me out of the jungle. I think I'm going sane and it's just awful

Apricot

Dear diary room,

just wanted to say thank-you very much to all the viewing voters to getting me in here. Wasn't sure before I came whether I'd fit in, but now I'm here I can't quite believe it, it's brilliant, yippppppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

*goes on manic run around the diary room perimeter*

Am very glad to be out of that donkey suit though, it was starting to get a bit stuffy in there!

Think I hear someone calling me, better go investigate

*waves to viewers*

laters,

fruity

Aaron Aardvark

I really miss stiffed donkey. It's nice to have another fruity girlie in here though

However......i was just starting to make progress with the donkey.

I loved donkey....donkeeeey no lie

I swear it even spoke the other day......could have been a fruity fart though....not sure

Well..................its been very quiet in the jungle for the last few days. I was sitting upside down (like i do sometimes) and I had time to reflect. Looking in a mirror upside down is very disturbing. (Im never going on top again) Things tend to hang at odd angles and I saw a lot of hair up my snout. I know I have a large nose to accomodate such growth but I was amazed at the stuff that gets stuck to it without knowing. How rare! Apricot said she would help me de-hairify it. I think its going to hurt. I wonder if she would de-hairify other bits.

My aardarse is really suffering. No one here has the inclination or technique to give it a really good service. Its getting very troublesome. (thats why i sit upside down). Everytime i sit on it i get stuff stuck to it. ie: leaves, barbs, ticks and guff in general. Camp spirit is good though....the girls are very obliging when i cant reach the difficult spots. However, A...if you write Aardy is a w***er on my butt again I will rub you down roughly with a spiney anteaters ar$e. OK!!

Apricot

*horrified* It was NOT a fruity fart.

In fact I was trying to cover up my girly giggles and not give the game away. Besides if the stuffed donkey had spoken you'd would all have thought you had gone mad (damn should've done it then, would've been hilarious)

I'm looking forward to our de-harifying session later AA but I seriously doubt I'll offer to do other "bits", even for you.

Green Fairy and I had a brilliant game of pretending to be Bond girls chasing through the jungle last night...well that was until GF decided to sit down on a tree stump and start simpering as she imagined Mr Craig's bottom lip. Haven't seen her since, I think she may well still be there.

I'm off to look for A instead to see if she's finished her symphony yet.

bye...

greenfairy

Apricot

I'm a bit concerned about the rest of camp, it's all gone a tad quiet and they're walking round wide-eyed and unblinking, Donavanesque style (except GF of course who's sneaked off for a wibble and a lie down)
Think Jungle fever is getting to them all. Doctor Zed where are you....

*still very excited to be here*

Can I do a hatbox challenge please Mr Admin Sir? Can I? Can I?

Aaron Aardvark

A

Deli is lovely. Deli is a God amongst men. An Adonis. A genius. He has no betters nor equals.

Dear Deli, please send chocolate!

ZedHorn

don't worry about me fruity!! I'm still here like the stallwat reliable second horn player but plays first without proper practice when needed to without thanks in gigs that I am!!

so is A really a lying vegetable, has GF been more pi$$ed at a gig than me (v v unlikely) and what was rab doing with a FOSNI bird? whena nd where do we get to cast our votes FFoggy?

Z x

greenfairy

ZedHorn

As soon as they release us from this jungle (or we escape) that sounds like a plan... massed volly dolly knees up.... Aaron if you ask nicely and wear a frock, yes, you can come too....

start at Abduls obviously.. I wonder if they curry Aardvark?

Z

Apricot

Deay, volly dolly darty, can't get much dedder dan dat.

but I deem to 'ave dot dungle dlu dince I dot deer. (a-chooooooo)

ewwwww.

Dot nasty critter dave me dat?

Apricot

*We seem to have been abandonned by our captors*

ZedHorn

yep.. I see what you mean fruity one....

the volly dollys are taking over the WWWOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLLLLLDDDDDDDDDD!!!!
well maybe the jungle at any rate!!

Z

PS - GF head down to Tesco as soon as you get out of here.. they have POTC advent calendars.... great combo Johnny Depp and chocolate EVERY morning.... mmm mmmm!!

Diary Room.........Get Me Out of Here!!!!

Re: Diary Room.........Get Me Out of Here!!!!