Favourite quote from a DoM or B/M.......

General Melchett · Favourite quote from a DoM or B/M.......

My favourite is still in my signature block and worryingly he meant it....

What about the classic Col. Hoskins: "Watch my feet gentlemen....."

Any more?

Pusser

During some Anniversary of the Liberation of Belgium tour, Mike Howarth was the travelling Bandmaster. In the town of Tournai (pronounced Tourney) the Director of Music, one Captain Peter Heming in a hurry, was being followed by a reporter.

Reporter, "What do you think of Tournai?"

DofM, "Tony? Tony? Never heard of him!"

Something else springs to mind, same DofM not sure of the complete dit but it had something to do with the Yacht, a Royal Visit and a recent welding job on the handrail of the brow.

Dan will know, won't you Dan. Dan?

Matelot QM, "Mind the handrail as you go over Sir, its just been wel.............."

DofM, "missing quote."

Big white bandage to match the single white glove!

Happy days.

MrJpig

A couple from TF..."Always have a pencil in your back pocket"
and one often quoted at conducting practice that is now lost with the introduction of female ranks...

"Please refer to the band as Gentlemen not Gents. The Gents is where you point Percy at the Porcelain"

MrJpig

Another TF phrase normally quoted at someone after they failed to notice a key change......"HOW CAN YOUR FINGERS GO DOWN"???

Aaron Aardvark

Another Freestoneism..........."It don`t mean a thing if it aint got that swing/string"

...he put up a length of string at Chatham to save a nice bit of shiny floor so 'swing' changed to 'string'.

Mr Bass Trombone

Bob Gill B/M dogends

1972 1981. HMS Pembroke Colours one damp morning, When ever the Weather is wet, When ever the Weather is dry, when you wear a Raincoat always wear a tie.

MrJpig

Mr Bass Trombone

Royal Windsor Horse Show(Circa

mid 60s) Band by the Centre Roll your trousers down Goodman, Quick March.

It was a wet evening Benny French horn had given himself turn ups to protect his trews from the mud.

Mr Bass Trombone

Now this is a real cracker.

Massed bands(400)Tercentenery year 1964 sitting in the old Concert Hall in Deal. This particular year dear old ViV wanted the massed bands to sing I Vow to Thee my Country in full four part harmony

on Horse Guards. WE the massed bands were seated in the auditorium, on the stage were the J/nr musns of the day, the rehearsal started suddenly ViV tapped his stand and pointed to one side and said some where over there there is a N$%&*? in the wood pile

, who was sat on the stage a young bass player Charlie Miller, band in fits

Viv in bits shouting Bowden get them on the drill field and do some marching I will be along in a minute, not seen until the next day. And No we did not sing on Horse Guards

RAB

Staff Orchestra, rehearsing for some major event.??

..

Major Neville on the rostrum discussing the finer points of something or other. As usual, the orchestra's silence slowly crescendo'd into somewhat of a rabble. Despite a few silent icy glares from the Boss, the noise continued, until he spun round, and at the top of his voice he shouted....

CAT THE CUCKLE...!!!!!!!!!!!

Hornblower

Aaron Aardvark

I told you ......I got about all over the place.

Hornblower

So did I - but I got a name...

Aaron Aardvark

RAB

FOSNI Band circa '73...Bill "Micky Rooney" Harrison Bandmaster..

On the coach ready to return from a gig late at night.. Band (and Bill) highly inebriated, and some of the lads a bit on the late side...

Bill decided to give us a dressing down from the front of the coach..."Give you B******ds an inch and you take a F****in' ....

At which point he threw his head out of the driver's window and spewed for Britain....

.....

No more public bollockings after that.....

Jim Mason · Favourite Quote -

I would hesitate to quote any of the various DOMs/BMs that I served with, however they were not the only ones to make memorable comments!

I was serving as a Bandmaster in a cruiser during the 50s, touring the Mediterranean ports and the band performed a "Beat Retreat" ceremony on leaving each port of call.

We were joined by a new (very enthusiastic) Captain of Marines, in command of the RM Detachment on board, and after he had witnessed a "Beat Retreat", he decided that this should be enhanced by a RM Guard of 30, to make a joint show, culminating with the firing of a "Feu de Joie"

He and I worked out a suitable routine and we decided to try it out in Tobruck. I went through the band routine with him and remember saying that we would play one verse of the Evening Hymn, there would be a short break (a couple of seconds) and then we would play the second verse in a different key. He said understandingly, "You change key" and then stowed this gem of information away for future reference.

He gave a full briefing and explanation the combined band and detachment, and when he came to the crucial bit, stated "The band will play one verse of the Evening Hymn, there will be a short break, to give the band time to change key before the second verse!!"

I had great difficulty maintaining decorum in the band!

I think he imagined that I used some sort of gear lever!!

Jim

General Melchett

They're good soldiers, but try to get them to do something with no rehearsal and just a quick briefing and anything can - and usually does happen!

A

It's not 100% on topic, but at a massed pongo concert at Knellar Hall on Wednesday night (with my other half performing)

I did have to suppress a giggle when, after the finale, the PDOM CAMUS said

'If you've enjoyed this evening, tell your friends, if you didn't, thankyou for listening to the Band of The Royal Marines.'

greenfairy

Sounds about right!

General Melchett

They do try, bless them....

A

And they did very well. Programme was a bit bland but that's not the musician's fault. I enjoyed it.

Co-admin

Two people who shall remain nameless apart from Jnr rank and SNCO (both outside now). The Jnr rank was having some personal problems and needed some time off for and was talking to the SNCO:

Luckily the boss was human and sent him away straight away.
Fortunately we don't have this kind of person in the bands anymore. How the JnrRank didn't stick one on him is beyond me!
If you read this, you'll know who you are and may you hang your head in shame

lesbryan

I know howthat jnr/rank felt .something very similar happened to me when my father died .we were coming from singers on the berryhead when my father died.we were just crossing stations far east to middle(it was a steaming crew).the c in c far east said i could go home as we crossed stations the g in c middle east said i could not .We were on our way to mombas we would have got there i could flown for the funeral and flown by the time the ship got to durban but no i could not be spared the skipper said yes the jimmy said yes the c in c said said no.Yiu could imagine how i felt .I have never forgave the RN for that or the c in c

General Melchett

Crikey, I'm not surprised Les. That's unforgivable.

mrbassbone

Dusty Miller

During my time on FOF 3 there were many memorable occasions apparently! and this is one I nearly remember.

During our stay in New York on Invincible in 84, the band got an invite to a USMC reserve barracks, somewhere I think north of Manhattan, I’m sure someone will remember the occasion and the place.

It was during this visit that the then Bandmaster (PF) no names, who was of a religious persuasion let his halo slip a little, and had rather too much to drink.

Now you had to be there right, but imagine the scene when dear old Johnny Bushell the long suffering BdCsgt appears with the CO of the place in tow, John taps PF on the shoulder, (who is deep into a dit with some of the band) to attract his attention with no response, so deeming the CO to be more important than Bandy’s dit John puts his hand on his shoulder and turns him physically to try and introduce him to the CO, well it’s conjecture as to what was in the Bandy’s mind at this point, was it part of the dit he was telling or what, who knows, in fact who gives a sh%t, it was so funny, but at that point the conversation went like this.

JB: “Sir could I to introduce you to the Bdmr of the band WO2 PF”

PF: “Oh hello, you’ve got nice goolies”

STUNNED SILENCE

JB: “ Errrm yes well this is Musn, and Cpl etc etc etc”

PF, our man at the embassy!

FFoglamp

Nice one Dusty ! Not naming but then giving the initials, band, year, and "persuasion" is hardly hiding his identity !!!

Dan A

FOSNI Band circa 1973 Cannon Hill Park..in Brum.... prior to display the Band were inspected by the Mayor... a fat geezer with a very broad brummy accent. he stands in front of Cpl Bulger Geordie Rowell and says rrrrrrrrrrr your a bit fat to be a Royal Marine... reply from geordie... your a bit ignorant to be a Mayor!!!!!

bootybandy

I cannot qualify this dit to be 100% true, but it would seem likely if you know who I'm talking about. A certain Drum Major.....got it yet??? On the Ark Royal Band in 1976 had the Band lined up on the Flight Deck for a Beat Retreat rehearsal. At the end of the rehearsal he said, all those with a father still living take a pace forward...........all those that met that requirement duley did. This Drum Major then said, "Where are you going Brown"? (This was Colin Brown, Trombone player who eventually joined the RN as an Occifer and became a Navigator on Helos.) As I said I can't be 100% sure, but someone who was there at that time might be able to either confirm or deny it.

Hornblower

Cardiff Tattoo rehearsals, Fleet Dog-Ends, Army band and Ghrukas too.

The Army Major - who's name escapes me at the moment, but he was famed for writing some truly Doggo Tunes and Arrangements - was berating the Royal Corps for their dressing!! (Cheek

)

He got to me and started to tell me that my dressing was out and to move forward or back or something.

I stayed exactly where I was. I was perfectly dressed thank you very much and I didn't need some Pongo officer to tell me I wasn't.

He politely (!) asked me if I had heard him and I replied, (very respectfully), "Yes sir."

"Well move then!" He continued in his dulcet tones.

I stayed where I was. (I'm not saying that my behaviour was right, I just knew that I was dressed and I didn't want to move into a position that would leave me out of line. Even I had my pride you know!!!

)

He started to do what any self-repecting person of rank would do in this type of situation - shout. This always worked with me, ask MJ!!!

I was resolute, my dressing was fine and I wasn't going to move. End of. Full stop. Nuff said. Endex.

I told him my dressing was fine and that I wasn't going to move. (I was really calm too).

He lost it.

And uttered the famous words that echoed through Dog-End corridors for quite some time.

"Don't argue with me, even if I'm wrong!"

I did move eventually. Directly after a 7 pace roll

Baaaaaaaaaaass

I remember being on HMS Ocean for some Fleet Review or another....

No, there's more!

We're dress rehearsing for some reason best know to the Navy and the youngest Bugler had to sound the alert.

He was super-Pussers and smartly yanked his bugle up and out and to his lips.

Good job his epaulette button pinged off and doinked the PDM right on his swede.

"Extra parade ********" he growled and we duly stepped off.

Tink! went the PDM's spur....

Yoink! went Bglr So-n-so.

"Sir, is this your?"

He went a pretty colour and was last seen scampering towards his cabin.

Guess you had to have been there, eh?

Hornblower

Some dits don't translate too well B11a'sss - but yours is fine!!

Give us more!!

Baaaaaaaaaaass

I'm sure many people remember a certain CDM with a thing for shouting so hard his faced permanantly changed colour.....

We had "stand-by's" one night (narrows it down a bit!!) in the Wing and he came round like a tornado.

He came into our grot and started throwing our shoes out the (7th floor) window, much to our mirth.

He then took a look in the spare locker next to mine.

Pulling out a screwed up shirt he asked "What's this Baaaaaaaaaaass?"

Me: "Um, it's a shirt, Sir"

CDM turning mauve and sniffing said shirt: "And I suppose you're gonna tell me it's not yours, eh?"

Me with a straight face: "It's not mine, Sir. It's got "Hardiman" written on it."

Just as he was about to swing for me, the Provost came in looking to nick the bloke who'd been chucking shoes out the window as the OOD had nearly been given a shoe-ing from the torrent of flying shoes.

Ah, the fun we had Scotch-Brite-ing window frames that night....

Nick B

My memory fades but I will stand corrected:

Horseguards rehersals 70's? PDM (Col Neville?) to Bugle Major John S.
" Are those Bugles playing in Unison!" JS "No Sir they are all playing the same note!"

RAB

Possibly the same HG rehearsals at Deal.

Ear piercing was a new fashion statement for some of the more stylish young RMB's. We were warned that it was a no-no in massed bands, but a certain little hornist decided these rules didn't apply to him. As we broke off for a fag break, the eagle-eyed Corps DM (sorry name escapes me) caught a glimpse of the 'ear medal' hanging from the right ear of **** **** as he walked away.

CDM...."Oi..Hornist..!!"

No reply..

CDM.."Oi little man..!!!"

Another "I can't hear you", as he breaks into a canter.

Now very irate CDM..."OI...!!!!!...F****N GYPSY ROSE LEE...C'MERE..!!!!!"

Were you there HB..???? or TS..???

Hornblower

Yes - I were there!

It was great fun to see ALL the Drum Majors queued up ready for their turn at 'talking' to a fantastic wee man.

I wish I'd had a camera ready at that time...

mattsr

I hope you fine gentlemen and ladies of the RM band Service will forgive me for posting as an ex-RAF Musician- but this little tale concerns a certain Karl Markham who joined the Marines, then the RAF Central band, and finally gave up trying completely and joined the Welsh Guards. On one parade I was on with Karl, during an inspection- (yes, we did occasionally have them in the RAF!)- the following exchange took place:-

Bandmaster:- Why haven't you polished your medals, JT Markham?

Reply:- I don't believe in glorifying war, Sir.

A similar exchange during the annual Band Competitions at RAF Uxbridge, where guests from the Marines and Army would inspect RAF Bands:-

Army BM to RAF French Horn Player :- Is that Klear on your boots, Sargeant?

RAF Musician:- Yes Sir.

Pongo:- You wouldn't get away with that in the army!

Reply:- That's why I joined the RAF, Sir!

Favourite quote from a DoM or B/M.......

Favourite Quote -